Last week, I wrote about how becoming a grandmother has made Andre and me rethink some of our plans for the future.
I knew thousands of people would read it.
What I somehow forgot is that some of those people are related to me.
My mum called almost immediately.
That evening, I had dinner with a friend, and it was the first thing she brought up. Mind you, she NEVER mentioned my newsletter before! And I've known her for 20 years.
Suddenly I felt strangely self-conscious. Not embarrassed exactly. Just very aware that the people closest to me had read something I had written quite freely, without picturing them on the other side of the screen.
It made me realize that this may be one of the reasons I find writing the newsletter easier than having certain conversations in real life.
When I write, I am thinking about you, the reader.
I am not picturing my parents. Or best friend, who would be very sad if I decided to move to England!
How much of our life is shaped by an invisible audience?
The experience made me think about something I see often in coaching.
We make a decision. Or perhaps we only begin considering one.
And almost immediately, another set of voices enters the room.
What will my parents think?
What will my partner say?
What will my colleagues think if I leave?
What will people think if I move overseas?
What will they say if I step away from the career I spent 25 years building?
What if I earn less?
What if I want something completely different now?
Sometimes nobody has even criticized the idea yet.
We do it for them.
We anticipate the judgment, then adjust our lives accordingly.
Very efficient.
The sunk-cost problem is not only financial
This is especially difficult for experienced professionals.
By our 40s and 50s, we have usually invested a great deal in the identity we carry.
Qualifications, promotions, reputation, professional networks, years of experience, a salary level. The list goes on.
Perhaps an entire family structure built around the career we created.
Changing direction can therefore feel like admitting that all of that investment was somehow wasted.
I do not think it is.
Experience does not disappear because you decide to use it differently.
A career can have served you extremely well for 20 years and still no longer be the career you want for the next 20.
Both things can be true.
We become bolder later than we probably should
I have noticed something interesting about people in midlife.
We often become more courageous.
Perhaps it is because we know ourselves better.
Perhaps we have accumulated enough evidence that we can survive difficult decisions.
Or perhaps we are simply running out of patience for living according to somebody else’s expectations.
There is often a moment when a client says something like:
“I know this makes no sense, but…”
Those words usually get my attention.
Because what follows is often the beginning of the real conversation.
I want to leave corporate life.
I want to move countries.
I want a smaller job.
I want to build something.
I do not want the promotion everyone assumes I should want.
I want more time.
I want work that means something to me.
Those decisions can look irrational when measured against the old scorecard, which often includes salary, title, status, progression.
But perhaps the scorecard itself needs updating.
There is a cost to disappointing people. There is also a cost to pleasing them.
I do not think we should dismiss the opinions of people we love.
Our choices affect them.
Moving countries affects families.
Changing careers affects finances.
Taking a risk may affect a partner.
There are responsibilities we cannot simply declare irrelevant in the name of “following our purpose.”
But there is also a danger in building a life primarily around keeping everyone else comfortable.
Especially when nobody has actually asked us to.
Sometimes we are obeying expectations that expired years ago.
For you this Friday
Think about one decision you are currently postponing.
Then ask yourself:
If nobody else had an opinion about this, what would I want to do?
Not necessarily what you would do.
Life is more complicated than that.
But what would you want?
Then ask a second question:
Whose reaction am I most afraid of?
That answer may tell you quite a lot.
How I help
This is one of the reasons I enjoy working with experienced professionals.
Career decisions at this stage of life rarely exist in isolation.
They sit alongside family, identity, finances, health, ambition and the expectations we have accumulated over decades.
Sometimes the work is not deciding what the next job should be.
It is creating enough space to hear what you actually want before everybody else’s opinion gets there first.
If you are at that kind of crossroads, you can learn more about working with me here. How about we start with a 1-hour consultation, so we can brainstorm ideas and work out a plan of action?
Book a Private Consultation with Renata
This week on YouTube: The Part Nobody Talks About Getting Laid Off After 50
When you get laid off in your 50s, the first thing most people panic about is their age. This video is about the three things that actually decide how fast, and in what shape, you get back to work: the identity that leaves with your job title, the break most people take the wrong way, and the two traits I see in every client who beats ageism.
Time Out
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I’ve been listening to Owen Pallett, the Canadian musician who, together with the rock band Arcade Fire, composed the beautiful soundtrack for Her. It's become my favorite album for evening workouts and winding down before bed.
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I’m also very happy to be back at the gym after three hip procedures over the past three months. I’m still in quite a bit of pain, and rehab will take time, but it feels very good to be moving again. When I get tired of my pool exercises, I switch to the ones suggested by this Instagram account.
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And with spring approaching in Melbourne, I’ve been perfecting homemade açaí. If you haven’t tried it, açaí is a Brazilian fruit from the Amazon. I grew up eating it because my father is Amazonian, and to me it is one of the best warm-weather meals there is.
Last week’s newsletter taught me two things.
First, apparently my family and friends are paying much closer attention to my career strategy than I realized.
Second, if I want to announce any dramatic life changes in the future, perhaps I should call my mother before pressing “send.”
I am still deciding whether that ruins the fun :)
Renata
